Wrestling with...approval

Last Sunday, I preached from Genesis 32: Jacob's wrestling at Peniel. I titled it simply, "Wrestling With God." It's a passage that has been near and dear to my heart for quite some time, so preaching from it was especially exciting. I was also worried about doing the passage justice. I felt an odd mixture of humility and confidence as I worked on it, because of all the experiences I've had in my pampered, white-middle-class life, wrestling with the changes, hurts, and questions in the context of faith in Christ is something I feel somewhat qualified to speak about. Along my studying, I discovered a wonderfully written little book called Scarred By Struggle, Transformed By Hope, by Joan Chittister, a Benedictine sister. Check it out.

Anyway, Sunday came and I preached. If immediate positive feedback and personal satisfaction are indicators, it was one of my best sermons. I even had people talk to me afterwards with tears in their eyes, telling me it really spoke to them. As a pastor, this is enormously gratifying. Perhaps--perhaps--the Holy Spirit spoke through my poor words and touched hearts. Somehow, my own blood, sweat, and tears mingled with the ink to craft something that encouraged and comforted others in the Body. That encouragement and comfort came to them out of my own scars is a retelling of the Jacob story.

But...after all, this is cynical idealism...don't you ever wonder what to make of it when the only feedback you get from parishioners is positive? Maybe I am a glutton for punishment. Maybe I don't know how good I have it at my church. Maybe at some churches pastors are scrutinized for every little phrase they utter from the pulpit. But in spite of all the accolades that Sunday, I found myself longing for someone to come up to me or call me on the phone and say, "Pastor, I really disagreed with what you had to say on Sunday." I think I understand more why Jay Phelan, President and Dean of North Park Theological Seminary and regular columnist for The Covenant Companion, enjoys it when people write strident letters of disagreement to the editor. It means people are paying attention. It means people want to dialogue and understand (sometimes!). This to me seems to be a fuller meaning of "agreeing to disagree"--a conclusion two people come to after truly understanding and appreciating each other. I may be wrong, but this seems to be the intent behind the Covenant Church's "unity in essentials--freedom in non-essentials--love in all things." Plus, I want to know if I've inadvertently preached heresy!

There is one other thing that troubles me. After all the good feedback I've gotten--"I heard you brought it on Sunday!" "You really set the bar high!" "That was awesome!"--I feel like I somehow have to find a way to follow that up with something at least as good if not better. Like a hit song or movie. Kierkegaard's words on the pastor as actor come to mind. Alas, I have become a objectified.